Whether you are economically challenged at the moment and prefer cash over gifts, you have everything you could possibly need to start life as a married couple, or you are socially conscious and wish to have donations made to your favorite charity in lieu of a gift, the No-Gift Wedding is a growing trend these days. Researching this trend has come up with lots of interesting finds. The first seems to be that those interested in this sort of wedding are unsure of how to notify their guests. The second is that everyone who has an idea about these weddings also has an opinion (a few of them very strong), and they are mostly in-line with Miss Manners or straight from the Emily Post’s Etiquette Book. And finally, the third is the sentiment stated emphatically with multiple exclamation points that such requests should never, Never, NEVER be mentioned or hinted at on the wedding invitation. I read on numerous accounts that putting such requests on an invitation was “in poor taste.”
The rational behind this reluctance stems from the idea that a gift is from the heart and not given in expectation. A gift from the heart is not something to request, refuse or return for cash. You accept it and thank the giver for her/his thoughtfulness.
However, ladies and gentlemen, we must face the fact that things have changed slightly. The reality is that while the act of gifting itself is a thoughtful gesture, people often need help, especially when trying to figure out what to get for the couple they barely know, know only slightly, or don’t know at all because the bride or groom is the friend, sibling, or child of a friend. A couple’s decision to make a request does not necessarily have to equate to greed, being unappreciative or tactless. There are many gift-givers out there who appreciate the heads up. It is for this very reason gift registries were invented and are now so indispensible.
Therefore, logically speaking, if you can announce you are registered at a certain store for a gift, we see no reason why you should not be allowed to notify your guests of a request in lieu of a gift. Gifts are not obligatory so anyone who is giving a gift, whether it is something the couple requested or not, is doing so because it is what they want to do.
So, how does a bride wishing to forgo the gift let her wishes be known to those who wish express their happiness for the occasion through gifting? After a bit of brainstorming and research, we’ve found a few ways to get specific requests out to wedding guests, all offered in accordance to the type etiquette standards we have observed and found rather acceptable given the couple’s needs and personalities.
Typically, neither the bride nor the groom distributes the information that gifts are not wanted. No special announcement is made, and no notes are included on the invitation. To keep in-line with this idea, it seems that simply not registering for gifts would be the best way for traditional couples to let people know something different is in the works. Everybody registers these days, so a lack of one is sure to generate questions. Make sure that your close friends, attendants and relatives know of your desires, and as inquires from guests are made, you can all spread the word.
For those of you not so traditional but hesitant to put a notice on your wedding invitation, a line stating your request added to your save the date or wedding announcement would serve as notification. If you do not want to mar even those aspects of the traditional wedding correspondence, then draft a special note or card to include with the items to be mailed out. This way you still get to notify your guests of your desires but do so without marking up your wedding stationary or incurring any additional cost.
Another great tool to utilize is the internet, or to be more specific, those wedding planning websites like The Knot and Brides.com that allow you to create and share your own wedding plans, information, and ideas. These sites have pages specifically for gift registries, so you only need to direct intended guests to your wedding page by including the url on your wedding correspondence.
As with almost any request, it’s not so much what you request, it’s how you ask for it, especially if you are requesting charity donations or money in lieu of gifts and gift cards. While Donations to (selected charity) is always acceptable, the standard word choice when asking for money is card, not cash, as in Cards are preferred, but all are gifts are appreciated. If you are not sure the point would be well received by the use of cards, monetary gifts has been utilized more than a few times.
And of course, there is always the direct approach. One internet post we found during research details how a couple’s parents set up a special account so that wedding guests could offer donations to the couple’s honeymoon fund instead of buying gifts. Setting up an account for the honeymoon or certain aspects of the wedding not only lets the wedding guests participate in a small portion of the planning, but it also helps the couple begin their married life with a lot less debt. What greater gift is there?
What it comes down to is the mood of the wedding and the personality of the couple. If the bride and groom you know are big social cause supporters, then a charitable donation request is not that surprising or out of place. If the couple is doing everything themselves, then the gift–or non-gift–of a card seems like a reasonable request. And if the couple has lived together or independently for years, then chances are, a guest’s appearance is the only gift needed. There should be no fault or judgement placed on the couple that merely seeks to offer suggestions to those wishing to show their support for the union. It’s time for the old tried and true etiquette guides to give a little. Just think about it, even Santa Claus takes requests.
